Monkey on Acid | This has all been done before.

Mania – Buckle Up

Posted on April 4, 2012 by chief

No, not like hysterics, or masses of people going nuts. Not like the Hulk Hogan kind either. Like the opposite of depressed. Like stay up 2 hours later than normal, sleep for 3 hours, lie in bed awake for 90 minutes then get up and kick the day square in the balls because not a single person or thing could almost stop me. Wired out of my fucking mind. Untouchable. I can see the atoms that make up the keyboard I’m typing on, I could count every pixel on both monitors lit up in front of me. I can hear every single instrument, every note, every syllable of every lyric, every tap of the drum machine, in every song coming from my iPod. This is beyond bi-polar, this is almost next level schizo shit. Continue reading →

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Sure, that’s why your site sucks

Posted on January 26, 2012 by chief

Clients, I apologize – you’re right. Your website sucks because of those 12 pixels you just pointed out. It’s not because the site was built 7 years ago using a table-based layout. Nor is it because the site uses 10px font for the main content, nor because the main width is 900px. It’s not because your color scheme is as lively as a rainy winter day. It’s because that line of text is 1 pixel too far right, and that icon is 2 pixels too high. The product “hero” images you took surrounded by 50px of dead white space on every side are flattering, let me just bold the product name, that will make all the difference in the world. You’re invalid HTML is fine, it’s my fault the site doesn’t render the exact same in every browser. You’ve been working on your eComm site for a good 2-3 years now, I’m bogged down by having worked on dozens of sites over 8-10 years, I must have misjudged your competence.

Again, I’m sorry.

FUCK YOU.

Posted in bitching, web dev | Leave a comment

Happy 2012

Posted on January 6, 2012 by chief

George fucking Carlin Anyone want to wager $1 that the world does not end this year? Even better, can some one tell me which is more likely – the Apocalypse or rapture? Vegas – what say you?

There is an election, which will amount to meaning absolutely nothing to me. I’ll still have to go to work, still be in debt, still have kids to raise with little to no help from the government, still be paying my mortgage. Politicians will still be cheating, lying, whores. Healthcare will still be too expensive. Many (most, maybe?) countries will still have disdain for America(ns). Retarded (“Ohh, did he just use the ‘R’ word?” sure did, cunts) people like the Kardashians will still capture the attention of other retarded (twice in one sentence, and bold that time, too, suck it) Americans. Maybe a few thousand more reality shows will launch, perpetuating the notion that we’re too stupid to actually produce anything of substance for people to consume.

Does the media feed “us” (trust me, I’m not claiming most of “us”) what “we” want? Or does it actually shape “us” to be what “they” want “us” to be? Either way, taking a critical look at what’s going on in our world disgusts me. Hooray for the new year of it all.

I believe it was George Carlin who said something to the effect of “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

Posted in society | Tagged 2012, America, retarded | Leave a comment

Experts my ass

Posted on December 21, 2011 by chief

Anyone else look at Webdesigntuts+ and see the article about how the “experts” saw 2011? I thought it was great that so many experts were so enamored with responsive design, but the site posting all the opinions is less than responsive. Just to quote one of them “Responsive web design evolved from a cool extra touch to being a necessary part of every website”. Um, or unless it’s on this blog, then not at all.

What if we stopped listening to these bitches and started doing 2 things instead – #1 what makes sense to us, and #2 what makes sense to the people asking us to build web sites? Then what? Maybe every site on the internet wouldn’t look and act the exact same anymore? You experts keep feeding the masses buzz words, hopefully the fucking sheep keep following you.

Don’t get it twisted, it’s great to lean on industry leaders for help, advice, and direction. I’m just disgusted by the number of people blindly following sites like this as if they were trying to catch a ride on the Hale-Bopp.

Posted in bitching, web dev | Leave a comment

iOS and Android Suck

Posted on December 15, 2011 by chief

Are you fucking retarded? Why would you build a device-specific app at this point in the game? You like building the same thing over and over? You don’t want it to be available in as many places as possible? You didn’t learn anything from the nightmare we called IE6? When one methodology, one environment, ONE COMPANY determines how developers build things, it fucking destroys how developers build things. Go download PhoneGap or some other horse shit and build an app that makes fart noises when you press a button.

Posted in web dev | Leave a comment

Hi there

Posted on December 7, 2011 by chief

I’m tired of regular web development. I’m really tired of smarmy designers – go shove your MacBook Air up your ass and choke on an iPhone. Clients suck, they’ll destroy literally everything. I don’t want to go on an adventure with you to find yourself, if you want me to tell you what is standard in the industry, I will. If you want to go find out for yourself, I’ll be here when you get back. And developers – quit being such pussies, scared to do anything. Man the fuck up and take a risk.

This site is the backlash of the mundane – sitting in front of the computer, pecking away at keys, pointing and clicking the mouse. It will be rude, crass, honest, and wrong (a lot).

I’m bi-polar, I stop/start taking my medicine randomly. I’m married with kids. I don’t drink or do drugs. I hate pop culture and at least 75% of the people I talk to for more than a few minutes.

Posted in bitching | Leave a comment

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